All we can do is keep breathing

A heavy heart for no good reason, yeah, that’s me.

In my very first post on this blog I explained the name of the blog, which is a song by Leftover Cuties that inspired me somehow. What I didn’t mention is that I first heard this song on “The Big C” and that the inspiration probably was a combination from both the song and the show. It’s a bit of a strange show, especially for an American TV-show. They are usually so happy and idealistic and portray a life that very few people lead though many want to.

We all want friends like Rachel and Chandler, clothes like Serena, super interesting cases at work that we solve with our perfect brains like House or a marriage/family life that has some drama but always gets resolved before the episode is over or at least before the season finale, like practically every show out there. The Big C isn’t one of those shows. It has a story where the only probable outcome is death.

So why bother watching? I have no idea. Honestly I have no idea why, but I watch the show thinking of my patients, not any one specific, just the group as a whole. My interaction with them, which for me is an ordinary day at work – interesting and all, but still sometimes a mundane workday – is for them a huge unwelcomed blob of ink in their calendars. I seldom think about their lives outside of hospital when I’m working. I don’t think about the calls they’ve made to friends and family to arrange someone to look after their dog or kids of flowers while they’re in for treatment. I’m not sure I could do my job if I started picturing their dog all alone at home with no one to give it food or water because I decided that their owner should stay the night for observation, just to be sure. Then again, I know I’m not doing my job if I don’t see them as persons who are part of a whole world where my recommendations, medicines and appointments need to fit in. I’m the outsider; I need to fit in to their world, not the other way around.

So I watch The Big C and I cry, and I get this stone right around the area where my heart normally lives and I think of everything I could – and should – do better. I think of how lucky I am that even when the worst message is being delivered, when I don’t want to be in the room because I don’t know how to handle it and when everything is going to hell and I’m practically at the breaking point because I can’t think and do as fast as is required – even then, I’m still the one in the best seat. And I think of the day when the world turns upside down and I’m suddenly on the other side.

I want to change the world – instead I sleep…

 

Everyday is a winding road

I get a little bit closer to feeling fine…

I love this video of Sheryl Crow live – happy, energetic and the perfect song for a day where I’m running on my spare batteries. I spent most of the night tossing and turning and waiting for the next patient to drop by the emergency room. It was actually quite a calm night, and if I hadn’t been thinking so much about other irrelevant stuff I would have slept my usual amount of hours, be it a bit interrupted. But I didn’t, I slept maybe 2 good hours and a couple of those where you’re sleeping but not really. So when I got home this morning I wasn’t tired enough (and way too hungry!) to go to sleep and now I’m just in slow-mode probably for the rest of the day. The typical morning after.

Anyway, I actually do have stuff to do today. I’m baking muffins (for Friday) and quite possibly pancakes (that are going in the freezer until Saturday), I’m also supposed to do laundry and mop the floor, and for that to get done I’ll need some very (very!) energetic and up-beat music!

 

Washi

I have now lived in my apartment for over 6 months and somehow I’m still not even close to done with getting it just the way I want it. Partly because I can’t afford to just go out and buy everything at once, but also because it’s really hard deciding what goes and what doesn’t. I’ve had the thought of black and white photographs all along, that’s kind of my inspirations – and then wood elements have just found their way in as a way to soften things up (and also because my dining room table is of oak and I can’t just throw it out and buy a new one right now).

A couple of weeks (months?) ago I bought three photos from Etsy and I just love them! Unfortunately I’ve hung them to high, so now I’m in a lost for how to move them without leaving big ugly holes in the wall. What I never thought of until I found my way in to En mammas dag – Weronica, was to put them up with washi tape! It looks so pretty, and you can just move it around as you please. I can think of thousands (ok, so maybe just five, but still!) ways of using it to make a white wall a bit more interesting, and it keeps up with the black and white theme of things!
So now I’m obsessed with buying some tape – I just need to stick to my decorating budget (which for the rest of the month is zero Danish crowns…) and wait to next week. The problem is I’m lousy at waiting! And – I already have something else in mind for my October decorating-budget, and it just might take the whole money pool (and maybe even a chunk of Novembers!)

I wish I could get everything I want and then some – I’m not good at depriving myself of anything. (Jeez, I sound like a spoil brat!) But I guess I’ll just have to wait and keep calm, and maybe ask someone to hide my visa from me for the next couple of days.

 
 

Top pictures from En mammas dag, bottom left picture from Etsy.com and bottom right picture from Trendenser.

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy…

Oh yeah, it’s one of those mornings, woke up with a smile and just knew it was going to be a good day. Kesha’s party song actually fits quite well today… “Cause when I leave for the night, I aint coming back” or “Tonight, Imma fight ‘til we see the sunlight” – can you guess what I’m up to tonight?

Ok, so maybe in your world going in for a nightshift isn’t really a party – but hey, I love my job!

Freedom

I did something really bold yesterday. Something I’ve never done before, something that I had been thinking about for a couple of days and that made me nervous in an absurd and all too exaggerated way. So what happened when I did it? Nothing! I was the only one who knew how big this thing had become and even I was stunned at how little it meant when I had finally done it. It didn’t go as I’d planned, and of course that bugs me, but not nearly as much as I had thought it would.

So what have I learned from this 10 seconds experience? To not build things up in my head of course! One might think that it’s such an obvious conclusion and fact that I should have learned it somewhere somehow earlier than at 27 years and 4 months, but I haven’t. I guess I’m slow.

So am I going to tell you what it was?

No, of course not! I might have learned that you shouldn’t build things up in your head, and writing this blog might be showing me how to open up about all kind of stuff – but I’m not quite at the point of revealing embarrassing, personal and possibly life-altering stuff, just yet at least.

Now my problem is how to top this? I need to come up with some way of going forwards, challenging myself and maybe, just maybe – getting a little closer to what I actually was asking for yesterday. If I’m not to big of a chicken I’ll try asking again on Friday in a more direct way – maybe this time I won’t feel like I might die or at least pass out.

This is from Therese Sennerholts webshow and I just might buy the picture to have it hanging on my front door so I see it every time I leave home, I think I (and probably most people!) need the push every singel morning!

Good Life

Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We're young enough to say

Oh, this has gotta be the good life…

If you promise not to fade away

It amazes me how some things just change, for no specific reason, or actually for many difficult to point out reasons. There really isn’t any difference if it’s a beginning or an end, in nine out of ten cases I have no idea how I became friends with the people I now call my closest and dearest friends, it just happened, one day you were acquaintances and the next you're telling each other stuff you’ve never told anybody else and picturing being the bridesmaid at her wedding.
 
Almost the same way it goes backwards sometimes, you stop sharing the important parts of your life, you stop feeling the need to see each other as often as you used to, and all of a sudden there really isn’t anything to say or any reason to meet. It’s weird, or at least I think it is. I don’t know how often I’ve speculated about this phenomenon. How something so important becomes so trivial, someone you care for so deeply becomes the person you kind of dread running into in the street because you know it’ll be awkward and forced.

I some times think about old friendships, people who meant a lot to me at the time, and I find it really hard missing them, or accepting the fact that I do. I miss the feeling of having fun, laughing, knowing what that special look meant – but I tell myself that I’m not really missing the person whom I was with. I guess it’s because most often than not, that person doesn’t even exist anymore. Once a friendship is lost I believe it’s lost forever, you can never get the same feeling back again it’s just gone. If you at some point would take up the friendship again it’ll be something completely different, a new friend, and a new relationship.

I (of course!) read David Nicholls “One day” this summer – who didn’t? And even though I regretted reading it in Danish (I really need to stick to reading books in their original language when I can…) I liked the book. It got off to a rough start because I actually forgot the book at home when I went to London (I know, I’m stupid!) and as I found out that London really isn’t my cup of tea, the book seamed somehow tainted by that, being set in the British capital and all. The other problem was that I felt it was such a waste of time, not the book, but the time lost by the Dex and Em. I felt like they wasted their best years and that just drove me mad, and I guess that’s because I related to that part a little too much. Now I can’t help but watch the trailer again and again, wishing the movie will be different, making them get there faster – I’m preparing myself for a disappointment when I go in and see it.

Christ I ramble! The reason why I even brought the book up in this post was because they have that kind of a relationship that keeps changing; they just kind of have a way of bringing the original “good part” back everytime the friendship blooms again. At one point Emma tells Dexter that she loves him, she just doesn’t like him anymore, and I remember reading that in the book and getting a big lump in my throat. The stupid changes you can’t control, suddenly you’re friends with a person you hardly know and it hurts because you didn’t even realise your real friend just doesn’t exist anymore.

Free Falling

Today I’m sitting in a coffee shop listening to John Mayers performance of Free Falling and - WRITING! Yes! It’s been years and years since I really wrote anything worth mentioning, but yesterday I just had a thought and began writing, and today I just kept going. Not that I’m filling the pages, it moves slowly, but I just have this feeling of wanting to keep going, wanting to keep knowing what’s going to happen. It’s great, and unexpected!

Apart from that I am today trying out the lipstick-look for daytime. I’m really bad at doing anything other than mascara and eyeliner for daytime, but I felt like being pretty this rainy boring Wednesday.

Hmm, any other quick up-dates? The thing I thought might be happening is apparently not and it’s a total bummer, but hey, life goes on, no big deal, It’s all good…

Back for good

After what has felt like half a lifetime – I’m back! My computer is all better and they even changed the screen (I always thought that when the screen was broken it was cheaper to just get a new computer, which was actually what I was counting on…).

In the time I’ve been gone I’ve been to Vienna, had a crazy night out, laid in bed sick for a week and been to the “famous” doctors-party for the region. It’s been good, it’s been bad and it’s been pretty wet.

    

Soak up the sun

A couple of days ago I went for a walk with a friend and discovered that the city I live in isn’t as dead as I normaly think it is, at least nature lives here, and the sun. There’s something about the sunlight just before the sun sets that is kind of enchanting and binding. Acctually there is something about the sunlight around these days – just when summer is quietly slipping away and fall is slowly creeping closer – that is just better then the sunlight at any other time (maybe except for spring, I LOVE spring!), it makes me happy just walking in the midst of the lazy sunbeams with the crisp air colouring my cheeks. Ah, the mix of melancoly and that exciting “new-start” feeling is just so typical for this time of the year – I love it!