Nov 29, 2011

I wish I had a river I could sail away on…

We’re not even in December and Christmas is already ruined. I feel like taking all the stupid stuff down and throwing them out. If they hadn’t already bought their tickets I would have called the whole thing off. Instead now I have to prepare a Christmas that I know won’t be any better than the ones we’re used to having. It’s like there’s a curse on this family. I was stupid enough to think I could do it better, that I could change it – but I can’t, the same people with the same problems make the same type of Christmas, no matter where you are.

I can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep trying and expecting it do be different and then feel myself becoming more and more dark and bitter as the years pass. It’s such a childish wish, I really thought I had left it behind years ago, but then this opportunity comes along, of doing things differently and the wish just pops up again – the stupid childish wish of having a calm, happy, normal Christmas. I feel like I’m five years old building a beautiful snowman that some horrible person just stepped all over, and worst part is that I’m the horrible person doing the stepping.

Close to perfect

I have this tendency of getting really upset and mad from time to time because I feel like I never get what I want. It’s funny really, considering I’ve actually always gotten what I want. The thing is, I always feel like I get the “almost but not quite there”- solution, the fake Fendi. It looks just the same as the real one (it’s a really good fake) – so why does it matter? It shouldn’t, I know it shouldn’t, but it feels different and so it does.

I do realize I sound like a spoiled brat, if that’s any help. Mostly I’m happy to have gotten what I want, it’s just that sometimes I can’t help but think about what it would have been like to have gotten it exactly as I wanted it. I know it sounds terrible, and I am happy that I now am a doctor – but I do think about how it would have been to have studied in Uppsala, close to my family, in my own language, establishing roots close to my hometown and not in a completely different country – the way I had planned it in my head for years. I wonder how it would have been like to have understood the first couple of lectures, how it would have been like not having constantly to explain my presence in another country than my own and last but not least – how it would have been like not having to choose between staying or going.

When I moved down here I never thought I would get as attached as I did, I never realized it would become home and that from that moment I would become torn between here and there. I’ve kept postponing the decision, thinking that it’s not really necessary to make a decision before the absolute last minute, but not making it has also left the question unanswered and the problem unresolved, and ultimately me still torn. I’m happy with what I got; it just would have been easier to have gotten it “the right way”. So have I decided yet – staying or going? Of course not, I thought I would know by the time I graduated, but I didn’t and I still don’t, so for now I’m waiting for that last minute, and from time to time bitching over the fact that in another life, I’d gotten it just as I wanted it and this would never have been a problem.

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How can you not get attached when campus looks like this!?

Nov 27, 2011

Decking the halls

Today I’m “decorating” my apartment with everything red I can find, which isn’t very much, but I’m not really the “Christmas-lights in the windows, reindeers in every corner, trip over the Santa in the hall when you get in” – kind of person anyhow, so it’s ok. I just wish I could get it a little cozier – I should get a rug and a chimney with a bunch of tree logs, turn this place into an old wooden cabin and pretend I live in the woods. Oh well, for now I’ll just wait until the snow decides to come and also until I find out where I can get a hold of a Christmas tree, that should turn this place into and real life Christmas Wonderland!

In a couple of days now it will be the first of December and that means the real Christmas countdown begins. For years now I’ve been very anti-Christmas, actually it’s probably been because of my bad mood this time of year. But this year we are doing something different for the holidays. Instead of me packing my bags and hopping on a northbound plane, my family is heading south and coming down to see me. It’s the first time we’ll be celebrating Christmas together somewhere else than at home, and it’s the first time I’ll be hosting it. Now, you might think this is something you do when you have kids and a big house, but I have no idea if I’ll ever have that and I don’t see the point in waiting for it either. So we are doing the most taboo thing you can in December, we are breaking traditions.

I can’t guarantee it’ll be a huge success, but I do know it’ll be different than what we’re used to, and being a family that’s never really gotten the hang of the whole Christmas thing I think I’ll be really good for us. This way we can try a couple of different types of Christmases over the years and when we find something we like I guess we’ll just stick to it.

Maybe next year we could try going to the Bahamas or Zanzibar or something, although if I’m being totally honest, putting us four together on a difficult to get off island for a week sounds more like a social experiment gone wrong than a jolly family gathering – but who knows, maybe they’d surprise me.

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Nov 26, 2011

A brilliant cure

In all my years studying diseases I always knew that someday I would find the perfect one for me, and now I have! It’s got the perfect symptoms and prognosis (I think) and best of all, the perfect medicine.

For several years now I’ve had periods where I’ve been a less happy version of myself, strangely enough it’s almost always been in the deep dark cold fall and winter months we have up here in the north. I get tired – like sleeping a whole day tired, and I’m a good sleeper no matter what season we have! I get cranky and easily annoyed, some might even call it a bit bitchy – and no, that’s not just my personality! And lastly I get this weird way of thinking that sweets, cakes, ice cream and chocolate (yes, it’s a category on its own) are an undisputable part of every meal. That’s not saying that I don’t sleep or am a bitch (when needed) or love chocolate in the spring or summer, it’s just on a whole other level in the dark months. So, is this really a disease? Well, actually it is and it’s called winter depression – or seasonal affective disorder. It might not be a huge problem for me (I’m almost certain I don’t fill up all the criteria), but for some people it really is something that affects their daily life in quite the negative way.

The “cure”, if you want to call it that, is (apart from antidepressants for people that have it really bad) light. Yes, this is a disease where something as simple as standing underneath a sunbeam just absorbing the light will help. Personally I’m thinking of writing a recipe for myself ordering a week at the beach in some sunny country – although, that might not be the best idea after all the cakes and sweets these past couple of months…

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Picture from Pinterest.

Nov 21, 2011

Won't you lay me down in tall grass and let me do my stuff…

I often think that I was born in the wrong decade – I should have been part of the late 60’s and start 70’s. I would have made an excellent hippie if I may say so myself. I’d have been a Beatles crazy, Bandstand dancing and Vietnam-protesting, raging feminist that today would tell fabulous stories and be infuriated by the passive youth. Instead I’m part of the same passive youth (yes, still youth – come on I’m not even 28 yet!) who just sits back and complains, waiting for someone else to do something about it. My imaginary past hippie self would be so disappointed!

Alas I am undeniably a child of my own generation, but at least I can listen to the music, envy the clothes and if I get a hold of some incense maybe I can close my eyes and imagine I’m right there in the middle of history being made.

Fabulous music to set the mood – better than most songs out right now.

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Pictures from Pinterest – yes, I’m addicted!

Nov 20, 2011

What a difference 365 days make

About a year ago I was practically drowning in books and pages. I had some ten days to learn everything in medicine that I didn’t yet know – which unfortunately was a lot! I was under so much pressure you can’t even imagine, and the reason you can’t imagine is I can’t even imagine now. I still can’t really understand I got through it. Somehow you learn to do what you’re supposed to and not think too much about it, you get up, go to the library, read, right – hopefully learn, and then go home and eat and go to bed. Next day you get up and do it all over again. It’s weird to now live a life where reading heavy books isn’t a part of my daily activity. I suppose I’ll start reading heavy books again sooner or later, I kind of already miss them a bit – but I needed this change, I needed to get my nose out of the books and see the world, see the reason why I got my nose in the books in the first place. It’s a great reason – I want to help people, and I need to get better at it. I learn a lot from doing and seeing, but knowing myself I’ll never really get it in my long-term memory if I don’t also read it, write it down and then read it again. I need lists and columns to take the facts in, it’s just the kind of square I am.

So now, inspired by all the med. students on Facebook, who are updating their statuses with how many pages they have read and how many days they have left to learn the rest of the enormous amount of diseases – I’ll take my medicine book with me to bed and read, because deep down, this is my passion and the best thing I got (back) from passing all those exams a year ago is the joy of reading for pure curiosity and interest!

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Pictures from last fall with different reading places. The library, a cubicle, the bed and an empty study hall borrowing a friends cubicle. Good times…

Nov 19, 2011

All I want for Christmas is…

A strong cup of coffee, a fresh croissant and a fantastic book – I could have it all right here in my living room, but what would the fun in that be? I can’t help but think that nothing less than a Parisian cafĂ© near the Seine is going to be able to help this longing. It’s quite the problem actually, I don’t have the money or the time to just skip down to Paris for a weekend – or what really is becoming at least a week in my head. Even if by some miracle my pay check this month would be doubled I have more pressing matters to use my money on – or at least I’ll have in the near future what with a move coming up in the spring and me not knowing how far I’ll have to move. But if Santa hasn’t any better ideas this would be the perfect Christmas present!

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Pictures from Pintrest.

Nov 18, 2011

A girl that lives in the past

I have this strange thing with sad songs. I love them. I get addicted to them and have to listen to them over and over again. For a period it was River by Joni Mitchell, it always made me cry and I always found it just around Christmas (of course). This year I’ve decided not be so negative about Christmas, so I think I’ll just skip it when I do my “Christmas playlist”. But I still need a sad song, you know – just in case I feel like a good cry, so I’m thinking of making “Friend in a bar” by Tina Dickow my go-to-song for crying. I really do think it’s the saddest song I have ever heard. It hits way to close to home for me to even stand a chance of not bawling when I listen to it. Is there really anything more tragic than wasting your life by your own choosing? Waiting for your “real” life to start, being hung up on the past and not realising until it’s too late. I always panic when I catch myself thinking about my life as a waiting room, it’s probably one of my biggest fears, to miss out and later realise that all this time that I thought of as a waste and just a hassle to get to the good stuff actually was the part I was supposed to be enjoying.

I don’t always love my life – as a matter of fact, I very seldom do. I don’t really think of it as a problem, I imagine most people don’t go around loving their life on a daily basis, but I do think it’s a good life – it’s like a photo before being improved in Photoshop, there’s a lot of potential! So for a while now I’ve been thinking of doing a list – not really a Bucket list, just a list of stuff that could perk up the already pretty ok life I have. Funnily enough just doing that, or thinking of doing that, gives a very mundane Friday a bit of a silver lining, like it’s the start of something – maybe even, a Photoshoped life.

Nov 15, 2011

Boom Boom Boom Boom

Heart racing, shallow accelerated breathing, dark slightly unfocused eyes and twitching fingers dancing across the keyboard in a nervous dance – and then suddenly the fingers stop, the breathing stops and the eyes close, all you can hear is the beating heart – the mail is off, lost in cyberspace and out of my control. I’ve sent my first real job application.

The thing is I don’t really expect to get the job, it’s so out of my league I’m almost a bit embarrassed to even apply, but still I have to try, and I can’t help but hope. So now the application is off and hopefully the butterflies in my stomach will settle down long enough for me to get a cup off coffee with my girls. I need all the distraction I can get today!

Nov 2, 2011

She works hard for the money...

Can you belive my computer still isn't home with me!? It's insane! It's unacceptable and frustrating and... oh, well - it is what it is. I'm doing quite alright without it actually. Reading book after book and taking long walks in this beautiful weather. Oh, and also - working. Next week I'm working 75h instead of the normal 37 (fantastic!). I'm starting to think I just might become a decent cardiothoracic intern, without even intending to, what with all this forced on practice...

Anyways, I should hit the sack before my phone goes off and I need to scrub in again. So, I'll leave you again (hopefully not for long!) with some of the pictures I've taken on my walks.